Tuesday May 19, 2020
A week ago today, I went to the Doctor for a strange faint feeling in my chest that arose at the end of a deep inhalation and would trigger a subtle dry cough. For the entirety of the week prior, I had been feeling run down exhausted. I had been grouping my three 12 hour ICU shifts in a row, in order to have four days home with some kind of continuity for my children. Since schools have been closed, I’ve been required to homeschool my soon to be 7 year old Teddy and my threenager Gene. (Shout out to all those homeschooling parents, it’s tough work!)
First day off from a weekend of work, I stayed in bed all of Monday, May4th. I’m typically pretty useless on my first day of reprieve so I wasn’t too alarmed, especially since it coincided with my first day of menstruation. I noticed unusual headaches and back pain , but chalked it up to being on my period. I was feeling hot, but it was 90 degrees out and our windows had been open. I googled “body temp and menstrual cycle” and was relieved to see that there’s generally a rise in basal body temp upon menstruation. I know…TMI, but I just wanna reflect the full picture of the onset of my symptoms. Tuesday, I continued to feel exhausted with headaches and body aches. I alternated Tylenol with Alleve and allowed myself to rest. Working in the COVID ICU since March, I deserved a good rest.
By Wednesday, my headaches were gone, my body felt rested and I was able to get some chores done around the house, even homeschool my stubborn Teddy. I recall having mild headaches Thursday, but nothing compared to earlier in the week, so I returned to work Friday and Saturday. Sunday, May10th, was Mother’s day, and to be honest, not a very good one. I was tired, very tired. Instead of being doted on with affection, my husband Jason was fixated on his preparations to return to our barbershop, now permitted to open by Governor Abbott. Mind you, our family has been without his income since mid-March and struggling to pay rent for our small business and home.
Love my boys, all three of them!!
I kept thinking I was tired because of my grueling work. I started to dread returning to the ICU. I was anxious and depressed, and I thought it was ALL in my mind. I scolded myself for feeling negative, “I should choose positive thoughts.” Was I slipping back into one of my dark depressions? Was I feeling unfamiliar anxiety? My breath the following Monday May11th felt slightly restricted, but I thought, “It’s all in my mind. I’ll sleep it off, but if I still feel bad in the morning, I’ll call in to work.”
“It’s all in my mind.”
I woke up at 5:30am that Tuesday and all I felt was dread. “I don’t want to go to work.” I took a deep breath in and knew it was abnormal. “Something’s not right,” said my inner voice. I called the night shift charge nurse to report my strange breathing and slight cough. “It’s probably just allergies. There’s a lot of mold in the air now,” she said. “My whole family has had a cough for a week. If you feel bad, you can always go home later.” She convinced me. Maybe it’s just allergies. Maybe it’s nothing. So I went to work.
After morning huddle and getting report on my patients I kept thinking, “I can’t do this. I shouldn’t be here,” all while having this horrible feeling of dread. “Am I having a panic attack? Is this what that feels like??” While retrieving my patients’ morning medications from the Omnicell dispenser, a co-worker casually greeted me and asked, “How are you?” And that’s when my thoughts and emotions began to spiral out of control. “Not good,” I answered and proceeded to tell her about my difficulty breathing.
It’s all a blur now, but I came to tears in the hallway explaining to my dayshift charge nurse that I had tried calling in and I didn’t feel well. She really took charge and swept me away to console me and advise me to leave and seek medical attention. I quickly changed out of my COVID scrubs and was practically running out the door when I ran into my manager at the elevators. “I’m gonna be fine!” I yelled through the closing elevator doors, tearful and embarrassed. I went straight home, immediately contacted Occupational Health, and went to bed.
” I can’t do it anymore.”
A couple hours later, I awoke. Still no word from Occupational Health. My manager and friend had been texting me to check up on me. With their encouragement, I decided to get tested at an outside clinic. Thoughts raced through my mind during the two days it took for the result to come back, “Maybe this is all in my mind. I am depressed. I am anxious. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I don’t want to work anymore. I can’t do this. Life is too hard. I can’t do it anymore.” Just as I was practically snorting eucalyptus and peppermint essential oils to asses my lack of ability to smell, I got the call. Covid19 positive.
“COVID POSITIVE”
“OH MY GOD,” jaw open, I said aloud on the phone to the Medical Doctor and then, “What a relief!” I thought to myself. “I am NOT crazy! I really am sick.” A day of relief turned into a day of self-pity, turned into a day of fear, turned into a day of anger, turned into a day of empowerment. With all the time required to self-isolate and quarantine, I’ve been able to reflect, “How did I get to this present moment?”
I contracted COVID19 at work. Since late March, I’ve been taking care of nothing but COVID19 confirmed cases in the Medical Intensive Care Unit. I have been in situations when the ventilator circuit accidentally disconnects while repositioning a patient. I have been coughed all over while assisting patients with activities of daily living. I have extubated a patient. As ICU COVID RNs, we are and cannot avoid being in these encounters of highly aerosolized viral airborne particles. I’ve been in all of these situations wearing a decontaminated single-use N95 respirator.
FAQ on N95 resuse info compiled by National Nurses United
https://act.nationalnursesunited.org/page/-/files/graphics/0420covid19N95faq.pdf
I am sick with COVID because my employer instructed me to reuse a decontaminated N95. I am sick with COVID because of an implemented decontamination process that has not been FDA approved. I am sick with COVID because of a President who has no respect for science. I am sick with COVID because of poor leadership. There is no one single entity to blame, rather a system that is broken and failed to ensure the safety of our frontline heroes in this war against COVID19.
Since the start of this pandemic, my mantra has been, “Today everything is unfolding perfectly, according to a greater plan.” As I grapple with upcoming rent, homeschooling my children, recovering from COVID, and returning to work to don reused PPE, I know that I am exactly where I need to be in this moment. One of my favorite biblical verses since childhood has been surfacing in my morning meditations, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path” Proverbs 3:5-6.
There has been such an outpouring of love and support from friends and family since announcing my COVID diagnosis. From fresh food left at my door to kind messages of healing, generous inquiries have been made as to how to offer help. Fortunately, my illness has been mild and I am going to be okay. Others may not be so lucky. My husband and children are happy and healthy. We have all that we need right now. The best way to lend a hand is to consider sharing my facebook posts that begins with, “I have COVID.” You can access my facebook via the CONTACT link. Please help raise awareness about the risks healthcare providers are facing in the frontlines. Help protect us, our families, and our communities.